


Of lipstick and mirrors

by Dao_means_star



Category: ONEUS (Band), ONEWE (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brotherly Affection, Demigirl Dongju, Demisexuality, Dongju uses she/they pronouns, Emotional Roller Coaster, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Heavy Angst, I'm just projecting my traumas, I'm starving for some angsty so I made this, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mentioned ONEUS Ensemble, Mentioned ONEWE Ensemble, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protect Dongju at all cost, Protective Dongmyeong, Rape Aftermath, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Self-blaming, Set during no dignity era (kinda?), The twins relationship is underrated, Victim blaming by victim, changing pronouns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-26 07:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30102420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dao_means_star/pseuds/Dao_means_star
Summary: maybe Dongju were sick.. because no matter what they did, the reflection in the mirrors is disgustingOrDongju never asked to went through those horrible things, but somehow the voices convinced them they do
Relationships: Son Dongju | Xion & Everyone, Son Dongju | Xion & ONEUS Ensemble, Son Dongju | Xion & Son Dongmyeong
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	1. That damned reflection

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Projecting my trauma onto my characters? More likely than you think
> 
> English is not my first language and is infact like my sixth language but please do support me and of course, request are appreciated unless specified why!
> 
> Warning: this work might contain triggering issues such as past sexual assaults/rape and gender dysphoria
> 
> You can reach out on me at
> 
> Instagram: ichaxx_edit  
> Twitter: AhprincessRi

He stares at the mirror yet again, absorbing the way his long hair fall against his shoulder and his bangs stick to his forehead

Eyes red and wide open, bluish eyebag on display  
Cheeks and nose reddening for crying too much

He hates it. He hate the person staring right back at him - disgusting

His grips on the sink tightened, turning his knuckles white to ground himself

'Useless piece of shit'  
'Disgusting excuse of a person'  
'Pervert freak'  
'A confused boy'  
'A boy'

Dongju snapped out of his thoughts when a soft knock were landed on the bathroom's door

"Dongju-ah, are you okay? We have to leave in five" Hwanwoong chimed from the outside

He hummed a yes, not trusting his voice to answer just yet

Splashing the water on his face a few more time, he tries to ignore the mirror before making his way out and to the living room, grabbing his phone and his bag to follow the rest to their manager's car

___

Of course, luck were not on his side as they were informed to be scheduled for a dance practice for 6 hours

Ignoring the mirrors were certainly not an easy task, considering that the practice room have two giant ass of mirrors so they can check their dance - and it has set Dongju on the edge

He were doing fine, really  
Until his part come and he took a glance at the mirror, his heart skipped a beat

Then he weren't able to focus at anything, not the way the members keep eyeing him and not the way they've told him to focus

"Let's take a break!" Youngju exclaim, followed by a relieved sighs from Keonhee and Seoho

The music were stopped and 5 of them take it to drink some water and catch their breaths  
Except Dongju, whose breath has rather quickened the moment he were left alone with no sounds other than his own thoughts, eyes still locked to his reflection

"Yeah you are beautiful Dongju-ah, but sit down now and drink some water - you look like you're about to pass out"

Geonhak said, handling him a bottle of water

But Dongju's breath has quickened even more the moment that word left Geonhak's mouth

'beautiful'  
'beautiful?'  
'why does that make me feel good?'  
'disgusting, I'm a man'  
'I shouldn't be beautiful'  
'A man should be handsome, right?'  
'I'm a man, not a girl! Right?'

Tears made it way to Dongju's eyes, on his cheeks just a few seconds later

Dropping on his knees, he put his palms on his ears - too loud

Geonhak panicked at this, instantly kneeling down beside Dongju

"Shut up, shut up, I'm a man, I'm a man, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"

Dongju's voice echoed through the room, the members scrambled to him

"What happened?"  
"Is he okay?"  
"Dongju-ah?"  
"He isn't responding!"  
"Should I call an ambulance?"

They cries out desperate words, but Dongju can't hear them  
Not when his own thoughts is too loud and his lungs closing up

He curls on himself, fully sobbing - embarrassing, so weak for a man, he thought

The members tries to calm him down, rubbing circle around his back, holding his hands, wiping his tears away

Soon, his breath steadied  
But he feels so tired, so he let Youngju and Seoho hold him all the way to their manager's car, whom Keonhee apparently has called

Letting himself cuddled against two members, he fell asleep

___

"Dong-ie, look up~"  
"Aww is our Dong-ie crying?"

Siwoon and Taejoon has forced him to the school's toilet, locking it up from the inside and refusing to let Dongju out

And now he's on his knees, tears on his cheeks - bruising after being slapped around by his "friends"

"You know, we've been thinking for a while.."  
Taejoon left his words hanging for a while, putting Dongju on the edge

"You look so much like a girl, so we want to know if it'll feels the same too"

Dongju gasped before finding himself pinned to the dirty floor, unable to get free from the grasp of two other boys, bigger and stronger than him

A scream left his mouth as they touched him, hurt him, ra-

Dongju woke up with a scream, jolted out from a memory he doesn't remember  
But the memory has now creeps it way to Dongju's mind, chanting everything he doesn't want to remember

He trashes around when a pair of hand made it way to his shoulder, trying to calm him down

And it worked, only because he recognised the hands as Dongmyeong's

Steadying himself, he look around and realized he's on his bed, probably carried here by Geonhak  
They probably told his twin

"Dong-ie, look at me-"  
"Don't call me that!"

Disgusted by the nickname, he almost threw up when Taejoon and Siwon's voice replayed on his mind. Why didn't he remembers this before? He didn't remember this as the reason they stopped talking

"Ju, are you ok?"  
Dongmyeong asked as he wrap the younger in a hug

He wailed onto Dongmyeong's neck, letting out all his sorrow

"Aigoo, my precious brother"

"I'm not your brother" Dongju let out in between sobs

"What? What do you mean? Dongju-ah"

Dongmyeong pull himself out of the hug, hands still on Dongju's shoulder, trying to make an eye contact

"I'm not..I don't feel like a brother, and I think-"  
He let out a broken sob once again

"I feel more like a sister rather than a brother and thought I'll like it more if you call me sister instead - but how can I? It's disgusting! They made it feel so disgusting! This stupid feeling made them hurt me and I-"

"Dongju-ah, look at me.. I'm fine with that. You can be anything you want"

Dongmyeong gave Dongju an assuring smile

"But what you said, what do you mean by that, Ju? What happened?"

Dongju take a sharp break

"Siwon and Taejoon"

"Those from highschool? Why? You stopped talking with them one day"

"I think they raped me"

Dongmyeong pull Dongju into a hug, both of them letting a chocked up crying

Dongmyeong felt as if his world shattered, how dare they hurt his brot- sister, His precious sister. Dongju doesn't deserves this. And Dongmyeong let out another "you're gonna be okay, I'm here"

He felt Dongju falling asleep in his arm, he put them into a more comfortable position before snuggling close, falling asleep himself.

He'll need a talk with Dongju tomorrow, but for now - he just want to stay close and protect his precious sister


	2. Better, better, huh?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dongju swear things were doing better, until it's not

Dongju woke up to find Dongmyeong and the other members snuggled close to them

Feeling the movement, Hwanwoong stirred awake too

"Oh Dongju-ah, feel better?" Concern written all over his face

"Um, better" Dongju was all she  
, before making her way to the bathroom, grabbing her clothes and towel

Once inside, Dongju stares at their reflection - door locked

'What a shame'  
'Maybe if you weren't such a pretty face'  
'Maybe if you've acted like a men'  
'Maybe if you've just been normal'  
'If you weren't such a freak'  
'If you've just accepted what you have in your pants'

'They wouldn't have raped you'

They let out a frustrated scream as the mirror cracked - knuckles bloody from punching it

"Dongju-ah! Open the door!" Keonhee yell, seconds after

Keonhee's plead were ignored as Dongju find herself staring at their reflection, their pitiful reflection

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID"  
'But they didn't do anything wrong, right?'

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT"  
'But they didn't ask for it'

"USELESS FREAK"  
'Was it so wrong?'

"MAN UP, WILL YOU? YOU'RE A MAN! A MAN, YOU FREAK!"  
'But they didn't feel like a man'

"JUST DIE, WILL YOU?"  
'Oh.."

Dongju stop herself from punching the mirror for the sixth time

'Oh' - she thought

Death doesn't sound so bad  
Afterall, they're just an useless excuse of a freak, someone who couldn't accept their own body, someone who couldn't just be normal - and they got themselves punished for that

They raped her for that, a realisation hit - and death doesn't sound so bad

The constant yelling and knob twisting from outside were ignored as Dongju's hand travel to the razor on the sink, separating the blade

"Dongju, please.." a choked sob from Dongmyeong were all it take for Dongju to get the blade as far away from her - throwing it across the room

Dongmyeong hug her close as soon as she opened the door, the others are there too - worried

She feels like a five years old again, when she scrapped her knees and Dongmyeong hug her close, crying louder than her - nothing has changed much huh?

But so much has changed, because they're not an innocent child anymore - they're tainted now, abnormal

She just snuggle closer to Dongmyeong, crying to his nape

The others, seeing how much Dongju need supports, pull the twins into a group hug

Dongju knows they need to talk then, but now, they need a hug

___

"You doesn't have to talk if you don't want to" Seoho said, still busy treating Dongju's wound

"It's okay, I know you guys want to help" 

"Whatever it is, know that we're here. We'll support you, we will help you." Youngju said, rubbing circles on Dongju's back

The others nodded at that, sitting Infront of her

"Whenever you're ready" Dongmyeong gave them an assuring smile

___

To says that they were shocked were an understandment

Dongju told them what they had remembered, what had caused them a discomfort all these time but once forgotten

But she left out the other things, them knowing she was raped is enough

She doesn't need them knowing that the cause of this were herself

___

It's all suprisingly going well, they acted indifferent to Dongju, supported them and assure them that it's not their fault everyday

'of course they would, they didn't know how much of a freak Dongju is'

Dongju has been doing better, at least  
They had started practice again, and the mirror isn't much of a problem anymore

Conversations goes smoothly, they still play around, eat together, shop with a mask and cap on, nothing changed much

Heck, Dongju even went to a make up store with Dongmyeong - the only one who knows her secret

It was going well

Until Dongju sees him as she was testing a lipstick on her hand, eyeing them from a distance with a smug smile

'Siwon'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger :(


	3. Nightmares after nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If they've told Dongju that this is all just a nightmares, she would've believed them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter cause I'm so stupid and can't focus while writing, sorry :(

'Siwon'

Dongju freeze on the spot as they spot the devil, the lipstick fell to the floor

"Dongju? Baby, what's wrong?" Dongmyeong immediately leave his place to take Dongju's hands on his

Caressing his twin's cheeks, Dongmyeong follow the younger's gaze, landing his eyes on a taller man with a sharp features and brown hair. Lip split to a smile, deep dimples on his cheek - but far from sweet

"Is that-"  
"Siwon"

Dongju gasped as the said man went back a few step as Dongmyeong slapped the asshole accross his face not a second later

"FUCKING ASSHOLE, I'LL MAKE YOU PAY"  
A smack echoes through the shop again 

"I'LL KILL YOU" Dongmyeong's fist were stopped mid-air from smacking Siwon for the third time

"Stop" a honey like voice announced before both the twins were taken outside, straight to a car way too familiar to them - it moves fast before the car stop Infront of their dorms building

"Hey Dongmyeong, tell hyung what the fuck was that?"

Yonghoon said from the driver's seat, clenched jaw and fiery eyes

"You never did that before, what was that about?" Silence followed after his question, Dongju still shocked and Dongmyeong too scared to answer

"I said, what the fuck was that?" The older's stern voice made them shivers

"That man was from highschool" Dongmyeong answered, not daring to look at the older

"Doesn't explain why you're trying to kill him" Dongmyeong has never seen Yonghoon this serious before, despite knowing each other for years

"He raped me" Dongju blurted out

The car is once again filled with silence

Dongju look up to Yonghoon as she feels the car moving again

"I'm going to kill that bastard" if Yonghoon was mad before, now he's filled with rage

"Hyung, no.. it's okay" she put a hand on the older's shoulder, stopping him from driving back to find Siwon

"I'm so- Dongju, I want to kill him" Yonghoon let out a heavy breath before turning in his seat, wrapping Dongju in a hug

They just melt into the hug, trying to find comfort in his arm

___

It has been a week since then, the incident left unspoken to their other groupmates

Dongju woke up feeling like shit, they got a headache and they feel anxious right off the bat

Groaning as she hears Youngju from the door, announcing that they got dance practice and vocal training today

Standing from her bed, they took a shower before dressing up in whatever clothes they found - avoiding the mirror as much as possible before joining the others for their ride to the company

Dongju feels the anxiety but she brush it off thinking it will pass

___

"Five, six, and turn, back to five!"

Hwanwoong's instructions were left ignored as Dongju just keep dancing at her own pace, completely off synch from the other

The anxiety she felt earlier hasn't went down a bit, but keep growing

The stares she received from the other members are making them dizzy and the fact that Dongmyeong is not here are even more wrecking

She felt as if something bad were going to happen, but can't pin point what

Like, she's just dancing - what could go so wrong? 

Will she got scolded? - that's fine, they've received a scolding so many time before

Will she faint? - they don't think so, they're just a bit tired

Will she received a bad news from home? - that's the worst that could happen

They just keep dancing even though their pace were a second too early or a second too late from the others

The anxiety is eating her alive, but nothing could go so wrong 

Right?

A knock from the door were heard before their manager walk in to the practice room

"Hello guys, take a rest for a while! I want to introduce our new staff members! They will be helping you from now on, so be nice to them"

"Yes, hyung-nim" the others echoed

"Oh you can come in!" The man in his late 30 invite

But when they walk in, all colors vanished from Dongju's face

"Hello, my name is Taejoon.. I'll be in charge of your vocal training from now on!"

A nightmare

"And I'm Siwon, I'll be working with you guys in producing"

Another nightmare

"Please take good of us!!"

Nightmares after nightmares

A soft whimper were all that come out of Dongju's mouth - barely heard by the others  
At this instance, she regretted not telling them the names of their walking nightmares

'You're asking for this, aren't you? Dumb fuck'  
Dongju just stood frozen at her spot, mind blank

\- Fuck, this is her fault again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I met my assaulter and need to vent, therefore, this chapter exist.
> 
> I'm sorry this turn out worst for Dongju, but I was projecting myself to my characters - I promise it gets better but things have to get worse first
> 
> Anyway, you can follow me on Instagram @ichaxx_edit


	4. Those old stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scared, empty, empty, empty -  
> helpless?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this hell I created because I'm such a bad person

The first few days were nerves wrecking for Dongju

She flinch everytime someone got too close, she can't look at the mirrors longer than a second and refused to sleep before hearing Dongmyeong's voice through the phone

'I'm so stupid and weak' she thought cause really, they haven't done anything

They haven't touch her, look at her or even acknowledge her presence except when they're discussing works with the other members - and that's worse than anything

Cause now, Dongju is laying in her bed wide awake at what she assumed were 4 in the morning - thinking

'You just made it up in your head'  
'pervert, you wanted it didn't you'  
'They didn't touch you, you freak'  
'stop playing victim'  
'you made them the bad guys without reason'  
'you're such a horrible person'  
'you are lying'

Tears made it way to Dongju's eyes at that  
Did they really made it up? Did she lied? 

Though knowing the truth, Dongju still doubt theirselves - what a horrible person she is to accuse them of something so horrible

But what they did to them were very much true, and they made sure to let her know that

___

"Dongju can you stay behind? I need to discuss your part with you"

Taejoon's voice sent shivers down their spines

The other members gave her a smile before they walk out of the room

"I'm sure it's nothing, don't worry so much Dongju-ah! We'll tell hyung-nim to pick you up later" Geonhak assure her before disappearing behind the door

But it's not nothing, and she knows that

Because Siwon join in the room not a minute after, locking the door

Taejoon whistles before making his way to Dongju

"Well well, you're even more prettier now.. almost like you're begging for it"

Dongju steps back until their back hit the wall, she want to scream, she really do - but her voice won't obey her, as they were stuck on their throat

"Did you miss us?" Taejoon asked, caressing her cheeks

"Of course you did, look at you all dolled up for us" Siwon add

She can only shake her head as disgust took over her

"Ah!" Dongju let out a short yelp as Taejoon pulled on her hair

"Why are you so pretty, baby?"

The remarks made her stomach churls and twist

Of course it's her fault for being such a pretty face, she is pretty much begging for it isn't she?

"N-no, stop, stop" Dongju plead as cold hands made contact with their thighs and stomach

"No, no, no, please no"   
"You can't say that when you begged for it with your pretty face"

Dongju's hands that were trying to push both of them off went limp at that

'Right, I begged for it'

And she gave up on fighting them - letting them do whatever they want to

___

When they finished, it has been two hours  
Dongju were left on the floor, chest heaving up and down trying to catch their breaths

"Not a word to the others, dollface"

Dongju flinched at Siwon's words

"Aw, you still like being called that? We used to call you that all the time, Dongie-ah" He trails off

"Remember that? You used to call us hyungs! You begged to join us in the music room"

'Really?' Dongju can't remember a thing from highschool related to the other two, as if it never happened - she blocked it from her memory

"You likes begging since forever, huh? We'll add that to our list for next time" Taejoon announce before making his way out with Siwon

'Next time?' Dongju just curls themselves into a ball - sobbing

___

The ride home were quiet, Dongju too dissociated and the manager doesn't know what to say

The dorm were quiet too when she entered, the lights were off

She just quickly take what she needed and went into the bathroom

When she saw her naked body in the mirror, you'd expect her to cry and freak out again

But all she did were scoff at how the bruises she got can easily be covered up

'They're smart, aren't they?' They only bruises her where they know won't show in normal clothing - her inner thighs, her ribs and her stomach

No one will notice unless she strip Infront of them

'You can't be mad when you begged for it, you whore'

That phrase chants through Dongju's mind and follow them even later when she were in a call with Dongmyeong

___

Two weeks later and they didn't stop, they still make her stay behind every other day to please themselves or just to tell her those stories

That same old stories.

Today were no exception, they call her for 'extra vocal training'  
The hyungs started questioning them but were forced to leave for dance practice and interviews

"What you wanna do today, Dongie-ah?"

"You said I'm here for vocal training, so if we aren't doing that, I'm gonna join the others"  
Dongju doesn't know where this sudden courage come from but it sure is satisfying to caught Siwon off guard

But what left Taejoon's mouth after left Dongju gaping

"Donghyun wouldn't like his little Dongju being rude like this"

A thousand memories flood her mind

"Eat more, you're going to have a stomachache like this"

A student, taller than Dongju

"Do you want me to teach you?"

Sof hands, neat clothes

"Be careful! See you tomorrow"

Sharp eyes, rosy lips

"DONGJU RUN, RUN DON'T MIND ME"

Warm voice, pale skin

"Donghyun hyung"

Dongju gasped, feeling overwhelmed

"Yes, your Donghyun hyung..That bastard ruined our funs and then disappear without a trace"

Dongju let out a choked sob as her memories were flooded with Donghyun again

'That's right, hyung stopped them. And I just run like a coward'

"Where is he?"  
"Yah, we told you he disappeared without a trace"

Silence surround them for a while before Taejoon broke it

"Then, should we continue the fun?"

Dongju let them do whatever without much fight, mind still foggy

For the first time, she felt helpless

Because they're touching her again,

and Donghyun is not here to save them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Donghyun is based on a friend I had :)

**Author's Note:**

> Will update this after my examz <3


End file.
